Doc

I cried through the whole appointment. I haven't really cried much yet so I knew it was coming. Started when I checked in, I got the balance for the D&C. It costs MORE to have that procedure than it did to have Josie!!!! Then I gathered my self together while I waited for the doctor. As soon as he came in and I opened my mouth to speak I cried and it didn't stop. He even asked me if I needed some anti- depressants. I don't think I do, it was just a hard day. Turns out I have a blood clotting issue/disorder/something or other. So as the baby grows in the uterus and requires more blood, the amount required cannot pass though my placenta because it clots. So when the blood stops coming the baby can't live/grow. Turns out it is my fault, I did kill that baby. Well that's how I feel. I know I could not have stopped it, but it's hard to shake that feeling. So we will take a few months off and start "trying" again at the end of the summer. I will be on a blood thinner of some sort and progesterone. Hopefully we won't have to do this again. The hard part is that even with the help you can't stop a miscarriage, sometimes they just happen. And for me now that I've had three my % to have more goes up. I still don't know how I will deal with getting a + pregnancy test, it will be scary and I'm sure I will take the doctor up on going in to see him weekly =)

So how the heck did I have Josie. Well I did some pretty intense acupuncture for several months before getting pregnant with her (it's covered by insurance in Colorado) and it's known to increase blood flow, but I think she was a miracle and gift from God! If I only have one I'm so glad it's her!

Long Weekend

Almost time for bed. First night in a big girl bed. Playing with her puzzles, she knows there names and sounds they make.

Ready to go outside on a snowy day.

This was a very long weekend. Friday was a snow day and it was fun to be home with Josie. We (it's funny to we because she didn't help at all) made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and bean soup for lunch. In between we watched way to much Dora, did laundry and took a hour and a half nap together. She rode her trike in the basement and we practiced our gymnastics skills. Jeff was home around 5 and bundled her up to go play at the mall play place. We thought she needed to get out of the house and be active. Well she was active enough during the day apparently because by the time they got to the mall (5 min down the road) she was out. Jeff turned around and came home.

On Sat we set up Josie's big girl bed. That night she slept in it. Bye bye crib. It was emotional for me, she's really growing up. I put her to bed and she cried for daddy. She got out of bed once, but after I told her sternly we don't get out of bed, she stayed. She woke up at 5am got up and cried at her door. (I set up a baby gate) She didn't want to get back in her bed, but slept with me for two more hours. I guess this will be a process.

I saw the movie To Save a Life today and it was good. I really liked it and even cried a few times. I think everyone can relate to it in some way. Go see it.

Tuesday I go see the doctor. I am nervous, I want answers and I don't want to leave without asking all of my questions.

My Smart Baby

Here is Josie saying her ABCDEFG's that what she calls her ABC's. She was a little distracted, but it's pretty cute. She also has a shout out to Uncle Sean. Sean is my brothers best friend. When were in Colorado Springs for Christmas she was terrified of him for some reason. Now she talks about him all the time.

Some Pictures

This is Josie's favorite Christmas present. A cheerleader doll from the dollar store that says a little cheer. She calls her super baby! I don't know why, but it is super cute. Josie and Great Grandma Johnson.
Josie and Paul Bunyan ( or daddy)on the airplane (or shiny bus, as Josie called it)

Her new favorite way to be carried.

She received a target gift card for Christmas, so we went to spend it. She is currently in love with Dora the Explorer and Boots. So she has been asking for a backpack. (Dora carries one with her at all times)

So here is her Dora backpack, she found at Target and went crazy over. It was like puling teeth to get off her to drive home.

We had some money left over and I wanted to get her an outfit, but she picked out this baby suit (bathing suit to the rest of us)

Right after a spaghetti dinner.

Last week she was sick (double ear infections) I asked her what she wanted for dinner. She said ice cream so that's what she got =)

My Little Cheerleader

I asked,"Josie do you want to be a surfer girl?" She said, "NO"
I asked, "Josie do you want to be a snowboarder girl?" She said "NO"
I asked, "Josie do you want to be a cheerleader girl?" She said "YES"

That's my girl!!!

An Invitation

She told me in October to expect an invitation in the mail. It would be a card and Via Christi would be on the outside of it. It would look like a card, not like a long skinny envelope holding a bill. She laughed after saying that, I guess too many people connect Via Christi to bills. October was a while ago, a month I didn't particularly like so I tried not to think about it much. She was right, that card came very unexpectedly and at a very bad time.

I got the invitation to my 2nd miscarriage funeral and burial (loss of my second child, if you ask me) the day I had surgery to remove my 3rd child. The very same day! It was awful, Jeff even cried, he doesn't cry. I didn't really know how to react. Jeff took it and threw it away. He didn't tell me that until last night. I had that miscarriage at the hospital, where they take them very seriously. This time it was a surgery center where I'm sure the child was tossed in the trash. I am torn about going or not, how can I honor one child I lost and not this one, or the first one for that matter. It's killing me. Jeff won't go and I don't think I can do it alone. Anyone want to go with me? No really, anyone want to go with me? It's next Friday afternoon, the 29th.

I just don't know what to do. I go back to the doctor on Feb. 2nd. A check up following surgery and infection. This one will be a little different though, we will see the blood work and figure out what to do next. I am nervous about it already, it is the same day I would have been starting my second trimester.

looks like I get to be one of those people......

with fertility issues. My other two D&C's went well with no complications. This time was opposite. I had pain and then more pain and then so much that I almost couldn't bear it. Then the bleeding started. After my second time to the doctor I found out I do have a uterus infection and after a look at it, it could end up scarred. I am on some heavy duty meds to try and stop that. Already the doc is talking to me about trying again soon. We were going to wait, at least two years. When I said that out loud to him, he looked at me, worried. I guess if I want to have anoither child I need to make it a priority. Even saying that my odds of not miscarrying again are small. I guess my uterus isn't so healthy.

We don't have all of that blood work back yet, which will make a huge difference in what to do next. So why did we have to have this conversation today, just made me sad. I want to have another kid, but I am not ready to go though this again. Trying to have a child will just be pain and sadness and not joy! I don't know what to do. I go back on the 2nd of Feb. I will know more about the blood work. After that I guess we have to make some decisions. Decisions that could possibly affect us having another child of our own.

I know that every child is a miracle, but wow Josie is beyond that for me!