Today at lunch

I hear, "hey Mrs. Jackson come sit with us". It's a group of 7th grade boys. "We saved you a seat, hurry before someone else takes it", they say. So I go and sit with them. They are a fun crowd to eat lunch with. We all talk though out lunch and after I say somthing about my husband one kid says, "uh, you a husband"! I said what did you think, I have pictures of my family all over my classroom. He says, "well you can have a kid and no husband"! Then turned bright red!

Halloween

We let the kids dress up for school on Friday. It was sun and they were so creative. Below is Flo from the Progressive commercials, and Tom from Tom and Jerry. Here we have Micheal Jackson, Alice in Wonderland, and a couple of jolly ranchers.

OK on the left is sponge Bob's Siamese twin, a smartie pants, Medusa and strawberry shortcake.

This was my favorite, Luigi!

In English we wrote and read scary stories while eating Wayyyy to much candy.

Yes, he ate all 25 pixie sitx!

Later that night I chaperoned the middle school dance. It was a lot of fun. I got to lead in the macherana, took me back to my school days!

Happy Birthday To Me!

I flew out to Denver to see Wicked with my family for my birthday. No, I did not take Josie. It was nice to have a few days all by myself. I slept in all three mornings and was able to spend some time with my, mom, dad and brother without Josie. It is amazingly different. The show was awesome, even if we were in the nose bleeds! We had a good time.
On my B-day we all went bowling. Drew provided the friends and we had alot of fun!

My mom won every game by a land slide!

And now I only 2 years away from 30!!!!!

Talking

Yesterday at Taco Bell Josie wanted some mild sauce. She handed it to me and said, "open". So I put some on her taco wrapper. She dipped her finger licked it and said pain as day, " I like it" I thought she would make a face or even cry. I just looked at her, stunned she sounded like a little girl and not a baby!

Some thoughts

I go to the doctor today. I hate this appointment. I know whats going to happen. I will go in wanting answers and leave without any. I will be examined and he will say ok go back to regular life, wait two cycles and try again. SUCKS! I have written down a list of questions to ask, all of which don't really have answers, but I'll ask anyway. SUCKS!

Lately I have been feeling robbed. Robbed of my child, robbed of the joy of pregnancy (i can't Imogen getting excited about being pregnant, just terrified.) Robbed of telling people exciting news. Josie's sibling has been taken away.

I am teaching Edgar Allan Poe this month and boy does that fit. I can really connect to his dark poetry. I am also teaching poetry writing and I love it. The kids really pour their hearts into writing and I have cried reading many of them. One girl lost her dad, a boy's parents are going though a divorce. They put their pain into this. I promised I would be the only person to read what they write, but I wish I could share it.

My 7th graders are just awesome and even though only a handful know what happened they are a big part of me wanting to get up in the morning. My husband thinks I'm crazy for being so upset, we have child why is this so hard on me? Maybe I am crazy.

Some advice

It is always best to STAY OFF THE INTERNET! Why do we think we will feel better if we can try to understand more about what happens to us. That is just not always true. I need to throw my computer out of the window. Now I am just flat out depressed and I don't know how I can be positive about getting and staying pregnant again. The stats and information is awful. Now that I've had two miscarriages the likelihood of having a third is too high for what I to hear. I just want answers, a reason this happened and then reassurance that it won't happen again. That's what I want. I don't want to be the 1 in 4 again.
The whole pregnancy process is so hard and difficult to understand. You get excited for something and go through the worst part of the pregnancy just to wonder if there is even anything really growing in there. Now I have to start over, all over. It just sucks. It's so frustrating. How many children will I have to lose? Now I am 1 for 3. Maybe a good baseball stat but not a good baby stat.

It really is so hard to believe

I was clam and didn't even worry, and the worst happened. With Josie I worried every day, almost every minute. I had a miscarriage four months before getting pregnant with her. Who wouldn't worry? This time was soooo different. I wasn't worried. Ok, when I was bit by a brown recluse last week I was a little worried (they say it's totally unrelated) Everything was normal, no pain, nothing. Jeff had his wisdom teeth pulled Friday and Saturday morning I woke up to a little spotting. Josie and I headed to the ER. If your going to have a miscarriage have it at St. Joe. They really do care. I did the standard stuff and waited for a sonogram. Oh to not hear a heart beat is just sickening. I was hoping to hear that maybe there was just a sac, but no baby. That would be easier to handle. Nope there was the fetus. Everything was there! Jeff was there by then thank goodness. So my cervix didn't open last time to let everything out and they figured the same would happen this time so they booked me for surgery. I am glad, I didn't want to wait around for maybe weeks and then see everything come out. The hospital Chaplin came to see me and told me my baby would be buried here in town somewhere and have memorial service too. Everyone was so understanding, it's my child whether 7 days or 7 years. Jeff couldn't be with me for the whole process because of his pain but we had some friends come get him and stay with me. Another one who watched Josie. I just didn't expect this, and I didn't think it would be so hard, I have a child. I guess because it is my child, her sibling it's just as hard. My mom was here for a couple of days and it will hard to go back to regular life without her. Last time I took two weeks off of work, this time two days. I wonder if I can move forward faster by getting back sooner. I will have to tell my cheerleaders, can I do it without crying? Will they understand?
We were not really trying to get pregnant but I was so excited for this, I was due at the perfect time, I had the whole summer to spend at home with them both. I don't know what to do now. Trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage SUCKS! The pressure is horrible, but I don't want to wait. The balance is hard.