It really is so hard to believe

I was clam and didn't even worry, and the worst happened. With Josie I worried every day, almost every minute. I had a miscarriage four months before getting pregnant with her. Who wouldn't worry? This time was soooo different. I wasn't worried. Ok, when I was bit by a brown recluse last week I was a little worried (they say it's totally unrelated) Everything was normal, no pain, nothing. Jeff had his wisdom teeth pulled Friday and Saturday morning I woke up to a little spotting. Josie and I headed to the ER. If your going to have a miscarriage have it at St. Joe. They really do care. I did the standard stuff and waited for a sonogram. Oh to not hear a heart beat is just sickening. I was hoping to hear that maybe there was just a sac, but no baby. That would be easier to handle. Nope there was the fetus. Everything was there! Jeff was there by then thank goodness. So my cervix didn't open last time to let everything out and they figured the same would happen this time so they booked me for surgery. I am glad, I didn't want to wait around for maybe weeks and then see everything come out. The hospital Chaplin came to see me and told me my baby would be buried here in town somewhere and have memorial service too. Everyone was so understanding, it's my child whether 7 days or 7 years. Jeff couldn't be with me for the whole process because of his pain but we had some friends come get him and stay with me. Another one who watched Josie. I just didn't expect this, and I didn't think it would be so hard, I have a child. I guess because it is my child, her sibling it's just as hard. My mom was here for a couple of days and it will hard to go back to regular life without her. Last time I took two weeks off of work, this time two days. I wonder if I can move forward faster by getting back sooner. I will have to tell my cheerleaders, can I do it without crying? Will they understand?
We were not really trying to get pregnant but I was so excited for this, I was due at the perfect time, I had the whole summer to spend at home with them both. I don't know what to do now. Trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage SUCKS! The pressure is horrible, but I don't want to wait. The balance is hard.