MUSIC

When we lived in Breckenridge I listened to a Reliant K CD over and over. I'm sure I'm not the only person out there who stores memories by music. It had been a while since I put that CD in my car and I was thinking about it. A few days later there was an upside down CD on the backseat of my car. I picked it up to find my Reliant K CD. I popped it in and wow did a lot of memories come flooding back to me. A lot of those songs helped me though some of my miscarriage grief, some reminded me of day camp and the kids I worked with, mostly just of our time in the Mountains. I am really thankful that God gives people the gift of song writing, instrument playing and singing. Music is such a great part of life, and so many musicians help people though life with out ever even knowing it. One song that that is on the miscarriage list hit me pretty hard this time around. I had not heard it since having Josie in my life and was able to process some of the words for the first time. Part of the song is this :

and you said I know that this will hurt

but if I don't break your heart then things will just get
worse

If the burden seems too much to bear

Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us
there

and I'll let it be known at times I have shown

signs of all my weakness

but somewhere in me

there is strength

and you promise me that you believe

in time I will defeat this

cause somewhere in me there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence

of a man who's never known defeat

and I'll try my best to just forget

that that man isn't me

It was a few hours after listening to this song again that it popped into my head: hummm...... I remember wondering as I was trying again to get pregnant would the end justify the pain it took to get us there. And I just stopped what I was doing, WoW I thought now I can answer that question. So I thought about it, I know I love Josie more than I could ever explain to anyone, but is that pain justified now. I had to think about it for awhile honestly! I will always be sad about losing that first baby, that baby is not Josie, Josie is a different person. But I decided that yes I would go though ALL of it again, all of the pain to get Josie. So yes it was worth it.

The rest of the song made me sad because I was not strong enough to trust God and rely on that strength instead of focusing on my weaknesses. In the middle of it I used to think yes I know that somewhere in me is strength. I was so hurt that everything I did and said was negative,that's all my friends knew. I don't know why it was so hard for me. I wanted so badly to let everyone know that somewhere in me was this strength but I couldn't let it out.

So two years and a baby later I have a lot to reflect on for sure. How did I handle things then? How have I grown? And most important to me how can I use it to help someone else?