MUSIC

When we lived in Breckenridge I listened to a Reliant K CD over and over. I'm sure I'm not the only person out there who stores memories by music. It had been a while since I put that CD in my car and I was thinking about it. A few days later there was an upside down CD on the backseat of my car. I picked it up to find my Reliant K CD. I popped it in and wow did a lot of memories come flooding back to me. A lot of those songs helped me though some of my miscarriage grief, some reminded me of day camp and the kids I worked with, mostly just of our time in the Mountains. I am really thankful that God gives people the gift of song writing, instrument playing and singing. Music is such a great part of life, and so many musicians help people though life with out ever even knowing it. One song that that is on the miscarriage list hit me pretty hard this time around. I had not heard it since having Josie in my life and was able to process some of the words for the first time. Part of the song is this :

and you said I know that this will hurt

but if I don't break your heart then things will just get
worse

If the burden seems too much to bear

Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us
there

and I'll let it be known at times I have shown

signs of all my weakness

but somewhere in me

there is strength

and you promise me that you believe

in time I will defeat this

cause somewhere in me there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence

of a man who's never known defeat

and I'll try my best to just forget

that that man isn't me

It was a few hours after listening to this song again that it popped into my head: hummm...... I remember wondering as I was trying again to get pregnant would the end justify the pain it took to get us there. And I just stopped what I was doing, WoW I thought now I can answer that question. So I thought about it, I know I love Josie more than I could ever explain to anyone, but is that pain justified now. I had to think about it for awhile honestly! I will always be sad about losing that first baby, that baby is not Josie, Josie is a different person. But I decided that yes I would go though ALL of it again, all of the pain to get Josie. So yes it was worth it.

The rest of the song made me sad because I was not strong enough to trust God and rely on that strength instead of focusing on my weaknesses. In the middle of it I used to think yes I know that somewhere in me is strength. I was so hurt that everything I did and said was negative,that's all my friends knew. I don't know why it was so hard for me. I wanted so badly to let everyone know that somewhere in me was this strength but I couldn't let it out.

So two years and a baby later I have a lot to reflect on for sure. How did I handle things then? How have I grown? And most important to me how can I use it to help someone else?

NO MORE PACI!

It is gone forever! Jeff put Josie to bed last night with out it. He came down stairs and said, "it's time!" So it is gone. Today has been pretty good, a few hard moments. Going down for nap time was a little hard, some crying. Waking up was horrible (I almost grabbed it, Jeff was at the gym, ha! he would never know) she screamed for it for 15 min. I ended up giving her a few chocolate chips =) She liked that! Bed time tonight....... I was nervous. After bath time while I brushed her hair she SCREAMED!!!! Man, I was sure she would end up crying her self to sleep. I got up and she booked it for the crib reaching to try to get in. I scooped her up said a really quick prayer and put her down. She was OUT! No paci required. WoW, good job teeny tiny. I know it's not over, but we are on our way.

Oh and today at gymnastics she did her first forward roll. I love it, seeing her do something I love!

Just Mommy and Josie

As we drove up to Vail on Thursday night I began second guessing my decision to go with my dad and brother to their volleyball tournament. Running around Vail with a crazy 15 month old, trying to keep enough sunblock on her, keep her fed and happy, stay in a hotel. My dad means well and he loves us, but helping me with Josie, I knew would not be a priority! It would be two days in the sun with no real baby entertainment. Ahhhhhh why didn't I stay home with my mom. We drove to Frisco, where the hotel was located. As we did, we drove through Breckenridge. Jeff and I lived there for a year right before Josie was born. I really wanted to spend some time there on this trip but with the tournament being the reason we were in the mountains in the first place there would not be possible for me to do so with the one car. In the end I decided not to go to Vail the first day (which is 30 min from out hotel) so we woke up and said good bye to the boys as they headed off to the tournament. After eating doughnuts Josie and I happily discovered Sesame Street was on T.V. and that's Josie's happy face behind the paci!

Then we headed outside the hotel to the bus stop. I remembered from when we lived here how easy it is to get around Summit County on the FREE bus system. While we waited for the bus we read the FREE Summit Daily, where we found a coupon for lunch later and found out what the weather would be. Here we are on the bus, the only pic of me that day! The route the bus travels has not changed at all and I got to see allot of the same sights I had when I lived here. The hospital where I first saw Josie's heartbeat! The High School Jeff coached baseball, the Middle School I coached cheer. The bike and hiking trails Jeff I spent allot of the summer on! I was sad for Jeff (at home in KS working) but excited to see it all again with Josie. This was also the place where I had my very painful miscarriage. Having Josie there in my arms while having the painful memories was something back then I could never have imagined happening!.
Jeff had a wonderful job in Breck with people he really cared about who really loved him. Josie and I stopped by to say hello, I know they would have loved to see Jeff but well lets face it Josie made up for him not being with us ;)

Josie fave thing to do is slide, so we are always on the look out for a new one to try. This one is in the middle of town next to the Blue River. There are pretty views and lots of kids playing make believe. It is a great place to people watch! UMMM here we are at lunch at Rasta Pasta. I knew it was the perfect place. They have great food (Josie loves noodles and chicken or bak,bak as she says) great prices (even better with the coupon always in the paper) a very friendly staff, and doggies hang out. What a fun lunch.
After lunch we to Mt. Top Childrens Mueseum. A great place to bring kids to play. They have a tot spot, arts and crafts, dress up with a stage to preform, electronics, experiments. I also worked for their day camp the summer I found out I was pregnant with Jos. It was fun to catch up on the lives of some of the kids I worked with two years ago. We played there for two hours.
Right outside the meuseum is this view. WoW we lived steppes away from this view (just behind the trees on the left)! I got to see this everyday! Look at the ski runs, winter here is fun but summer is just so beautiful!
Josie wanted to stick her feet in the water. Until she felt how cold it was!
After the cold water we headed for the bus and back to the hotel. What a fun and special day for us! We spent about 6 hours on our adventure and by the end we were tired. The weekend was long and exusting but what a blessing to spend time with my teeny tiny!

This week brought to you by the letter B!

Josie has been learning and growing ALOT this week. She is talking. TALKING!!! The words are starting to just pour out! It all started with ball. I thought I heard her say it and when Jeff came home from work he showed her a ball and asked her, "Josie what is this"? She said, "a ball"! (In a very cute southern accent, by the way.... heehee) Ball turned into baby, and for fun I asked Joise who is that? Out came Belbo (elmo) Then we were in the car she dropped her toy out of reach and said, "uh-oh" And it has not stopped she is a talking machine. She tries really hard to repeat what everI ask her to say. At the zoo today we saw the gorillas and we got la-lilla out of her. I love this stage, she is so sweet!


She loves baby dolls. She likes to lay them down, cover them up, pick them up and rock them in her arms and then give them a kiss before laying them down. I think she likes the space in our new house and she loves to run all over the place! I hope she will be a gymnast because she tries to stand on her head on our big fluffy rug. She is in a cute little mommy and me gymnastics class where she keeps up with the two year olds, and loves to climb up and go down the slide all by her self.

We go to the big kid playground where we shock everyone when they find out she is only 14 months old! She is all over the place and I can't keep her from climbing and sliding. I just pray for her alot :)

I can't believe I don't miss the infant stage, this one is super awesome she is my fav thing and I love her so much! Even if she still wears size 3-6 month shoes!


*on a side note I have lots of pics of above activities. Unfortunatly my computer is not being picture friendly these day, hopefully soon................

but wait look at these on a friends blog (she took some awesome pictures of Josie a few days ago)
http://www.mommyalwayswrites.com/2009/06/many-faces.html